Man, I love flying.

Man, I love flying.

When have you seen a Spaniard on time? Well, when you are flying being on time is not enough, you have to be there 2 hours in advance, TWO. One reason is that now you spend at least 20 minutes repacking your bag if it happens to be a pound overweight, or arguing with the lady at the counter that if the plane is empty a couple pounds wont make it go down.

Then there is security, which can take for ever. On one hand you have those people who beep five times, first the keys in their pocket, then the cellphone, oups some coins etc and when you think they are done then there are liquids in their bag which they had forgotten about..... But hey dont blame the guy,  even experienced travelers can take a while. No shit, now they even get you naked. Last time I was going to fly I was so worried about security that I took the following steps: 1. Bought a new pair of socks since so many people were going to see them. 2. Waxed my legs, in case the officer wasn't happy with me removing  my shoes and belt and he asked me to take off my pants. 3. I started a diet and daily exercise, in case after streaping I was requested to get a body scanner.

Usually once you are done with the check-in and the security you still have an hour before boarding. Such a waste of time. But hey, there are ways to kill some time. Duty free shops, most of us tend to visit them, we smell perfumes and try on sunglasses and leave empty handed. There go 10 minutes. 50 more to kill. There is also that shop that sells books, but their selection tends to be awful. I mean, who reads all those biographies? Most of them are either about Obama, Clinton and Bush or nobodies whose names I have never heard before. Then there are those self help books. How to be happy, How to love yourself. Secrets to an awesome life full of friends, Love yourself and others will follow. Really? I Have been bored to death in an airport a million times and never have I considered even holding one of those books for ten seconds.
I must admit I enjoy looking at the front cover of international newspapers, I try to compare them and if I have no clue what it says then I compare the main picture. There goes another minute of my time, plus 2 more going through books. 47 more to kill. 

Going to the bathroom even when you have no need can take up to 10 minutes in line for women plus another couple minutes to pee and wash your hands. 35 left. Taking a walk usually can help killing another 10 minutes, and if you have a coffee -for which you pay 8$- there go another 15. 10 minutes left for boarding, if it was to be on time for once ever. Surprisingly people are queuing already, some of them have been standing up since before my visit to the bathroom.... I am a late boarder. I don't make the plane wait for me, that never, but I usually wait for all the freaks to stand in line  and take their seats and once the room is almost empty I finally approach the gate. I always think if my life was a movie and the love of my life -Mr A- was to chase me to the airport, ours would certainly be a happy ending because I would still be seating in the boarding room, not like in real movies where usually the person is already in the plane.

Once in the plane I do certain things that most people probably would never realise. I always empty the seat pocket in front of me and if I travel alone I put the magazines in the pocket of the seat next to mine. Bottle of water, book and iPod go in the now empty pocket in front of me. Then I place the pillow in the tiny space between the seat and the window (i always try to get a window seat). I then put on my seat-belt and earphones, even if I dont play music. I do not like when the person next to me tries to start a conversation. My flights are usually of at least 5 hours and if you give people a chance they will tell you their entire lives. I am not kidding, once this guy even showed me his holidays' pictures. It will never happen again. I find that Sky Mall magazine is much more entertaining to be honest, and you can close it and be done with it whenever you want. The magazine is very funny if you read it the right way. Here are some examples...

- The Cat Toilet Training System, in 3 steps you can teach your cat how to use a toilet! what would we do without such a thing?

- Hidden Litter Box... Loos like a real clay pot, they say, which you can place in your living room and no one will notice if you don't tell them. Well, that is if your friends cant smell.

- How could I forget the Polar Fleece Footed Pajamas for adults..... 

- Or the Italian Armor Sculpture for $975

But talkative people are not the worst. There are crying babies, fat people who take half of your seat -and you had to get rid of 2 extra pounds from your luggage-, the guy that always has the light on in overnight flights, the one sitting behind you who seems to be boxing with your seat. Either that or he really dislikes you and he is set on not letting you rest. The mean air-hostesses who think they are the queens of the plane. And my favorite,  the one time you get an aisle seat you have next to you that guy who needs to pee every 25 minutes and thus makes you get up twenty times per flight. Why he didn't take the aisle seat beats me.

But you know what? Flying is not that bad, waiting for your bags once you have landed can be even worse. You might wait there, standing up, with people all around you going crazy and fighting with their carts like being closer to the belt will make their bags come out earlier... And sometimes after 45 minutes there are no more bags and yours are no where to be found. The airline can't locate them at the moment and they send you home or to your hotel with the promise to contact you soon. And that's after they made you leave stuff at the check in on the other side of the world.  

But at least if you are lucky you will have a loved one waiting for you in the arrivals lounge.... and you will think "man, I love flying", while forgetting about all of the above.